Getting home after the Kentucky Derby is hard. Even if you’ve managed to keep track of the people you started the day with (a task more difficult than actually making money at Churchill on Derby Day), and even if you have a suitable vehicle within walking distance, there’s a good chance that none of you are sober enough to get behind the wheel. Toss in the fact that cabs/ubers are few and far between, and that the Tarc will take you to Churchill Downs but it won’t take you home, and suddenly you have yourself a massive issue.
The result of all this is that year after year hoards of drunk people are left scrambling to find a way to either get home or get somewhere else to keep their evenings going. This leads to some stellar stories, stories which we asked you to submit earlier this week.
Here is the 2022 edition of “How I Got Home From Derby”:
The Bad Husband
Last year Derby happened to fall on my birthday, so my in-laws had a nice Derby/birthday party for me. Lots of great drinks, great people, more great drinks. You get the point. We stayed at the track all day and had a great time, but decided to leave shortly before the last race. We had recently, like within the month, moved into a rental house about .2 miles from Churchill downs and thought maybe we could beat the traffic to get home. Little did I know that almost every single road going into my humble abode was blocked off with no entrance in. Here I am, quite tipsy and trying to convince police officers to let me drive down Central Avenue, but since I hadn’t gotten a new ID with that address, it was a no go.
My next great idea was to park somewhat near the Kentucky Kingdom theme park and walk down Central with my wife, my 6-month-old baby (weather was nice before I’m judged) a stroller, and me still drunk. No sooner do we make it to top of bridge at Central that I see an absolutely horrible site: Every single person in the state of Kentucky being released from Churchill to walk up the road towards us.
My wife instantly is embarrassed and frustrated at my great idea. I didn’t really mind, but once we started walking past people that changed. I have never experienced more odd looks, people trying to give me money, and donations assuming I’m homeless, and telling me that they would pray for my baby. Looking back …….