I’m thrilled to be getting married in October — and a little terrified. There are multiple reasons I’ve waited until nearly 50 to take this leap of faith.
I know happily married people exist, but I can’t find any in my family. More important, money stress was a primary reason why so many marriages I’ve witnessed have ended in divorce.
If money stress didn’t cause the divorce, the divorce certainly caused money stress. Four failed marriages are a key reason my father died penniless even after a successful career as an oil company executive.
So my fears are not without cause.
However, Antoinette and I had our first big financial crisis as a couple this week, and I feel hopeful for our future based on how well we navigated it together. We had to make a hard choice with negative consequences regardless of our decision, and it was a significant test of our relationship.
What was encouraging was not the decision but the process we organically co-created for making the decision.
First, we scheduled a time for the conversation when neither was busy nor stressed out. Blindsiding your partner with a huge money problem when they’re exhausted or just home from a busy day at work will never go well.
Next, we had a babysitter come to the house, even though we didn’t go anywhere. Ensuring we were uninterrupted by Antoinette’s very precocious 8-year-old and my soon-to-be stepson was essential.
When the scheduled time arrived, we immediately climbed into bed and snuggled. This was by far the most critical part of the process. We mostly just stared into each other’s eyes and tried to connect deeply. It took about 30 minutes to feel connected and grounded, saving hours of arguing. As I’ve learned from past mistakes, you have to be on the same page emotionally and spiritually with your partner to make healthy financial decisions.
We were ready for the next step when we wished we could silently rest in each other’s arms for a few more hours. (A good nap is one of our guiltiest pleasures as a busy middle-aged couple.)
Then we started creating a list of pros and cons. Once we had our list, with both of us offering every idea without judgment, we took the penultimate step and looked at our budget. The number-crunching was the most straightforward part: It was just math, not emotions. The math showed us we would be in trouble either way. It was a question of which set of problems we were more willing to deal with.
A critical skill Antoinette has taught me to use in …….